Saturday, April 5, 2014

Search my heart and know me

Psalm 139

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tounge,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
you hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.

Search me, O God, and know my heart!

Try me and know my thoughts

David knew how to lay bare the things of his heart before God. David was overwhelmed with the idea that God knew his heart.

I recently had a friend say to me in essence... "it's okay, I know your heart".  It struck such a deep chord in me, I cried. I am blessed to have people in my life who know my heart and there is such security there. 

To walk with people through life intimately, sharing your burdens, your troubles, your insecurities and even your weaknesses with them,  allows that person to "search your heart". In conflict, or in failure, to have someone close to you say "I know your heart" is what makes a true intimate relationship. The  type of relationship God has called us to have with one another.

I find the most grieving, draining and hurtful relationships in my life to be the ones where I am meant to live intimately with but they don't know me. People that are in my life to stay, whether church or family or friends, people I am called to share my life stories with, my pain and my successes with and theirs as well. And if they don't "know my heart" it is just such a window into wounds, unforgiveness and resentment. 

I remember this one moment when I got into a very emotional argument with someone I love dearly. They said something extremely hurtful in the heat of the moment. In fact it came out so fast we were both taken aback by what was said. In that dagger, I was  faced with a choice, to take it, plant it and let it grow into a deep deep wound or forgive, on the spot. I stopped, walked away and prayed. "God I know their heart, I know their heart and this is not their heart." I prayed.  In that, and from the deep closeness of our kindred hearts I chose to forgive because "I knew their heart." and their heart is good. 

There have been other situations in the past where a person never took the time to "know my heart" To understand how I think, what makes me tick, what grieves me. They would analyze me and tell me what they thought I was like, but any time I would try to defend "my heart" I was slammed down, because "they knew me better". When it came time to remove myself from this relationship there was such a backlash of hurt and assumptions and even backtalk. All because they never "knew my heart". It was very painful and I could only trust that "God knew my heart" and he would defend it. 

I'm not saying that knowing someone that deeply means there is never miscommunication or pain. But we live our lives so self absorbed sometimes, we never take the time to know one another deeply. It's too much of an investment of our time, our energy, or perhaps we are afraid of the exposure and the hurt it could bring. 

To know someone takes times, it takes sacrifice, it takes opening ourselves up. Jesus knew this more than anyone else, and he could read the minds of those who would betray him or kill him, and he knew their hearts and he still gave them his. 

There is something to a marriage that is so much richer when we truly know one another's heart. A friendship can have endless graces and fulfilment when you know one another's heart. Even in parenting, to truly "know my kid's hearts" should be my mission as a mother. Because, they really really want to be "known". 

And lastly, to be truly known by God is the most "wonderful thing". To know that he knows more about me than I do is astounding. That is why God has more Grace for us then we do for ourselves sometimes.

So here's a challenge. How well do you really know the hearts of those around you? Who are we called to "know" more deeply? Who has God put in our lives to share life with? Do you know how they think, and what makes them tick? Something to ponder.